lines in the sand

please note.

2010-09-12T06:32:00.000+08:00

this goes out to anyone who links here, and anyone who wishes to keep updated with my blog.

my crafts blog: Mythic Zephyr
my personal blog: Sweet Embezzlement.net

thanks and good nite. =D

i will not be updating this blog from now on. please note.

a serious post.

2010-08-12T19:53:00.001+08:00

it's not much of an avoidance than a mere lack of convenient pondering time to actually craft out a proper post about farewells.

i can't access my other blog for now, so this would have to do.

i thank God for all the things He's given unto me.

this scholarship is the ticket to fulfilling my dreams. i've always, always wanted to do something in the lines of law enforcement and justice. since i was young, i was attracted to the life of a detective. sherlock holmes was a very, very influential figure. i'd train myself to observe mannerisms and such, and an interest in people's psychology developed in me. besides that, i got drawn to logic puzzles. on top of that, i love word search or item search games that required me to use my eyes to complete the tasks. i also enjoy time-management games. justice-wise, i do see the thrill in making sure things are righted, morally. for so long, i've always wanted to do something that would combine these various facets of my personality, into a career that would satisfy that part of me. when i learned about spies, i wanted to be one. although i didn't quite like the grey areas such a career would involve. and my father wanted me in a science stream. when i found out about forensics, i knew that this was the one career i would love. i prayed hard, and sometimes i doubted that this would be my path. =/ but i still wanted it so bad, and kept begging God for it. i knew my parents would probably hesitate on sending me overseas, but i still trusted in His provision. i didn't think it'll come in a way of a scholarship. and being given this golden opportunity really, really opened my eyes to His hand in my life.

my academics... i started off in high school without my usual gang. i was in the second class, and the day that i set off to ask for permission to wear my pendant, i was given the chance to move up to the first class. never looked back since. being in the first class granted me a different outlook. i learned to curb my playfulness at times, and i knew just how to bring my potential to the fullest. He made sure i had plenty of room to grow. always, always when i refused to be in a bleak environment that made me feel like a defeatist, he brought me some place that nourished me just like how i thirsted for. He really amazes me. He shaped me this much. into someone who wouldn't back down. who wouldn't take no for an answer to the question i so desperately need a yes for. who loved changes and challenges. who valued independence and responsibly liberty. even in college, he gave me lecturers who challenged me to strive harder than what i'd like to. He gave me the means to survive, and the will to succeed.

my family. ah. he gave me awesome parents who knew when to poke and prod about my academics. they never pushed me, but allowed me to question the paths that i took. they gave me room for self-doubt. they supported me in everything - my interests, my academics, my co-curriculars. i don't know what i'll do without them. =/ my parents allowed me to be an individual, and allowed me to flourish and bloom wherever i chose to be. my brother was annoying at first, and our relationship took a rather mature turn afterwards. it's great having a younger brother with a sizable age gap who eventually learns to be mature at a young age. =) reduces the problems and headaches.generous uncles and aunts and cousins who were so willing to help with their time and finances. =) wow. i'm amazed at how much my life is crafted for me, rather than crafted BY me.

my friends. i have a few circles of friends, and all have been kind to me. =) one particular group so far has been the optimal type. we get together almost very rarely, but when we do get together, we catch up and are so pretty close. we know each other's quirks and such, and don't actually mind the fact that we don't always look for each other and have other friends. i quite enjoy that. no stress in maintaining such friendships.

alright. when i look back, i'm blown away. i'm blown away at how amazing He is. in doing this for my life. the time and care he took to crafting it. it amazes me at how much i mean to Him, despite the fact that i'm just a speck of the dust. i'm not sad, i won't doubt, i won't be scared or intimidated by the changes i have to make. i shan't complain about the discomfort of getting out of my timezone. i'm putting my full trust in Him. because, if in 2 years, He's conjured so many amazing things, what about 3 years? 5 years down the road, and i'll still be amazed.

i've had some lingering doubts in the past. one of it would be my future career. i know where i'm from, corruption thrives. justice is impaired. i don't want that. i'm not asking for a perfect world, but i'm looking for some glimmer of hope that not all is lost. i wonder just how things will turn out. one of the things i imagined was that i'd work in the INTERPOL. hehe. i'm still hoping. i love travel, and i love new cultures. i love languages. dear God, i'm asking for more opportunities. i wanna be a light for you. Thanks so much. Nothing can surpass what you've done for me. Nothing can surpass your love for me. I'm still mind-bombed.

a serious post.

2010-08-12T19:52:00.000+08:00

it's not much of an avoidance than a mere lack of convenient pondering time to actually craft out a proper post about farewells.

i can't access my other blog for now, so this would have to do.

i thank God for all the things He's given unto me.

Moving.

2010-07-30T19:14:00.000+08:00

Hey all,

Please update your bookmarks and blogroll.

http://blog.sweet-embezzlement.net

I've bought my own domain name and am using a new host. But I won't be abandoning my blogger account, of course.

it's been a while.

2010-04-03T06:05:00.000+08:00

my time in INTI is coming to an end very quickly. i wish i could extend it, and have more fun, and such. but such is time. it creeps at a petty pace when you're doing something you don't enjoy, and it speeds like a road runner when you're enjoying yourself.

a year ago, when pastor chris long was going off to another church, and install pastor vic as the senior pastor for gfs, he somehow gave a farewell prophesy. and his wife conducted a beautiful woman's conference in church. the first prophecy was that my life, as a journal, was full of scribbles. there were huge scratches here and there, as i have tried to rewrite my life in the past. but God has poured the blood of Jesus over it, and it is wiped clean. the second one involved me being a woman for God, who does wonderful things for Him.

these two things, were the only things that kept me going. yes, i've fallen. but. come to think of it, i've grown so much in just two years. i'm glad i made the commitment to God, to change. i have rededicated my life many times over to him, over and over again, after falling down each time. i stopped at some point, until those prophecies.

i thank God, for his hand upon my life all this while. for the people he has surrounded me with. i thank him for all the things that he's done to change me. i now stand corrected. haha. i wonder what else does he have in store for me?

the passion for him. the hunger for his word. the willingness to do his work. all these, i have gotten them back. i thank him.

i hope that this continues on.

oh. and he has blessed me with many, many things. amen.

bored.

2010-01-04T02:32:00.000+08:00

here i am. supposed to be sleeping by now.

thought i'd post something:

150 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

which i found on this EPIC website:

My Life Is Average

where i normally spend my waking hours reading and scrolling through when there is nothing productive to be done and a lot of procrastination to waste away. it's my homepage. hehe.

moving in

2010-01-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

a word to the wise: never bring everything that reminds you of home. bring pictures. in your laptop. easier. helps to put a smile on your face.

i'm not quite done moving in. =[

ah. well, never mind. i still have time.

i have a few jobs lined up. XD

so happy!

at least now i can earn some extra cash. which reminds me, i need to ask mei wei for more clay. unless i ask everyone for their addresses. XD

oh well. i'm going to be productive this semester. in studies.

anyway. my new year's resolution: be obedient. and learn to let go.

miserable.

2010-01-02T23:45:00.000+08:00

i wish i hadn't feel so diligent to clean and spruce up my room.

now i'm starving.

no one to accompany me out to makan. it's dark. it's late. i can't go alone.

mcd is busy, the network is congested. i can't order food.

i have to wake up early tomorrow...

so i guess i'll just order my mcd breakfast around 5am.
haha. anything for food huh.

i feel so deprived.

and i miss home. i'm so homesick. can't wait for my parents to come.

>=[

2009-12-31T22:26:00.001+08:00

I choose. You shut up.

Fading

2009-12-18T15:42:00.000+08:00

I've been through it so many times. Each time brings back the hurt I've stashed away, deep in the corner of that cheerful smile.

I've been running on empty tank for so long, and I just can't stand it anymore. I can hear my soul screeching to a halt. It's such a despair to be in this position right now, and I can feel it in my being... that it's time to stop.

Stop dishing out fake smiles.

Stop laughing for the sake of it.

Stop pretending everything's ok.

Stop being nice, because nobody really cares.

people disappoint.

2009-12-07T15:58:00.000+08:00

it's a fact that you can't run from.

i'm not an angel either.

i just wish my dad would stop being so caustic and sarcastic without reason to me. it hurts. the other day, i got my results slip back, and although i would gladly rejoice over an A, i'm still thankful for my A-. I worked, but not as hard, but still worked for it. And he was like, why is your result so bad? Yeah, I'm not as smart as he is. Granted. But don't put me down like that. It hurts. All my life I wanted my dad to just say, "Good job. I'm proud of you." Being the person that he is, I'll never hear it. I don't think he approved even of my choice of career, despite the odds that it is indeed in demand in the job market.

I don't understand my dad.

What am i?

A disappointment?

Why?

It's not so hard to congratulate me when I've done better. I know for sure that because it's my dad, I would strive harder for it, not slack because of complacency.

Am I holding myself back like this? I'm just so tired. Maybe it's coz of my almost-there relationship with my earthly dad that i can't bear to have a proper committed relationship to God.

i don't know.

I'm sick of being stifled. I love art, i enjoy being part of a creative production. I took up science because my dad wanted it.

So dad, not even a clap on the back without any sarcastic remark?

uninspired.

2009-12-02T16:13:00.000+08:00

i had zero concrete plans for this semester break, come to realize it. i hate it la.

Rachel's birthday

2009-11-29T17:17:00.000+08:00

Ah.

I feel so good now that it's over. Not that I hated it. Lol. Can you imagine trying to hide the fact that we're going to have a barbeque and two other close friends over and being with your bestie who expects to know all and might get into a dangerous mood if she thinks you don't care about her birthday??

Phew. Lol. But she's been manageable. =] And I'm glad that she liked it so much she was so speechless. NYAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I'm not evil. Lol. Not to her anyway, because that will mean that I'm going to die very soon. Lol. Anyway, it was a great celebration.

Had to ask her mum for permission to take her out. Original venue was the beach, but oh well, her mum wasn't comfortable with it. Since we're taking her daughter out, it's better to be on the mum's good side. Haha. Golden rule. Lol. What was funny was that I actually discussed about the venue with her mum through sms while I was on the phone with her. Haha. Word.

Lol. Anyway, I enjoyed the cake. Chocolate cheese. Hmm. I know now what I want to makan. Ahaha.

What else? Oh. We hung out like old times. It was great. Just funny la, and we had a great time with everything. Ai.

Lol. And of all birthday presents, I got her a planner. Haha. The POPULAR 2010 diary. Because I know it's usually this time of the year that she'll go out and buy something like that. MWakkakakak. I don't know why I buy practical stuff. I'm more willing to get her something she can use (minus the dress and teddy bear =.=).

Anyway, 27th November marks just another year... but it's the last of her teenage years. MWAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKAKA. simply bah. lol.

Oh. I better start thinking of what to give her for Christmas. =] And Audrey, Qi Ying, Bradley (the last two are nominal, but since they helped out with the barbeque thing... they're AWESOME).

After 3 weeks

2009-11-22T16:29:00.000+08:00

Well.

I delayed my trip back to Miri by a week, due to ticketing issues.

Anyway, starting from my finals. I'm so so so so so so happy that I coached Lynn the night before the exam. It was so worth it! Most of the questions were understandable, and I could do it. I was just crossing my fingers for all the tougher ones, and I think I made some silly mistakes, but oh well. I've never been satisfied after leaving the examination hall, but after that paper, I was so relieved and so... comforted that my hard work paid off. I got my results on Thursday, Nov 19. A-. Whoop-de-do!!!!!!

Throughout the finals, Kelvian teman me play frisbee. I tend to eat more to bring down my stress levels, see, so I decided to be more proactive about it and play Frisbee. At least I got my weight under control. I didn't get to see anyone much, except for my JPA batch. XDDDDDDDDD JPA mode is on.

After the finals was such a stress-free week. I just chilled, and started packing up because we have to clear out the latest by Nov 6, so no choice. I didn't think I had that much of things to bring home until after I've finished packing. My total check-in weight was 44.5kg. Overweight by 24kg. Great. RM 360 flew past me like that.

I now understand that I can't ever be too complacent of the things I buy. Gosh. That sucks, doesn't it? I'm an avid fan of retail therapy. XD I just buy when I see things that catch my eye, and if it's cheap or the price is right, I'll buy. Did I get the shopping bug from my dad? I believe I do. Lol. Blame it on the genes.

Anyway, I came back and rested, mostly. I just need to rest before my Kuching trip. My aim was basically to see my cousins, and some friends, and accompany some friends around. Especially those from out of state.

So I went to Kuching for a week. It was good. I'm just too lazy to say much here, but I will upload the photos on Facebook. I've been asked to do so.

Since I got back, I've got the flu bug. Oh. The horror. Like I told some people, the headache was hiding, but might come pillaging my brain. Flu stole my taste buds, and the cough nearly beat my voice to death. Of all things to be stolen, it had to be my taste buds. I need to taste my food!!!!!!!

XO Never I mind, right? Anyways, I went out with Audrey, Rachel and Muammar, for cendol. Yummy! Miss my cendol susu. XD although it was below average. Oh well. It's just good to have cheap food again. Rachel drove. AHAHAHAHHAHAHA. ok. Well, I was supposed to drive, but in the end, Rachel drove. It was funny coz all three of us were bad in some areas. Audrey was scared of reversing. I'm scared of hills and slopes. Rachel is scared of being in town. XD. lol. funny, but understanding each other, we were kinda supportive of her when she drove. LOL. funny la.

then. I got really sick. >.< And I ended up taking medication. Woo. I'm now healthy, save for the cough and the mild blocked nose. I'm going to play basket ball later to continue on my mission to lose weight. Ah. The sweetness of it all. I'm just so hungry.

Oh, I've been given a few assignments to do over this few days. One is to summarize a journal. Another is to proofread a recommendation letter. And another is arrange the articles for the Orion. =] happy-happy!

But only one of them is my source of income. The other two are just favor and just simply my passion. (Passion? Am I even passionate about anything?)

Anyway, I gotta get busy la. I need to clean my room. Huhu. It's not messy, But it's really, really ... disorganized. I have not unpacked. I must get my application things done. And I must take out the unwanted clothes from the closet so I can put my stuff inside. Oh dear. So many things to do. I just wish I have a longer holiday.

you don't know my story...

2009-10-29T19:24:00.000+08:00

for so long, i've dealt with people who just can't put a stop to their demeaning words and condescending tirades.

i wish people would stop comparing me. really. i'm just another person, with a different story to tell. no one shares the exact same story, nor the characters inside it, nor the plot and ending. how can you fairly compare someone with another person as a standard when there are so many anomalies?

i bumped into someone today. someone whom i didn't really care to talk to if i didn't know him. unfortunately, he still remembers me. and being polite, i had no choice but to say hi. and to have my greeting responded with a very long joke about how my mathematical skills are somewhat average compared to certain people he knows... well, i find it rather hurtful and undeserving.

which reminds me of the movie "cloudy with a chance of meatballs". i could relate to the main character trying to impress his dad. i mean, the old man didn't say a word about his son's achievements. and... well, it resonates deeply with me because i have a taciturn dad. i cried at the end of the movie, because the dad finally said something abt his son.

all this while, i've been running around trying to gain my dad's approval. to impress him. which is why he doesn't have to pressure me into getting good results. i just do because i want him to say something far more impressive than just a "good job". it wasn't just a good job. i pushed myself so hard, you know? i really pushed myself to go the extra mile.

until i got the best result i could ever get, and attained a scholarship... and realized... my dad will never say it to my face that he's proud of me. why am i running so hard for?

i still push myself, but not as bad as before. and to have this person constantly reminding me that everyone else did better on a certain subject brought back so many things. things i've buried long ago so i wouldn't remember and be hurt by them. and yet, here i am. crying.

you don't know my story... you don't know the things i fight for, the things i do, the sacrifices i've made. you don't deserve to say anything like that to me. i don't deserve it. you don't know me. you think you're doing me a favor, but there's no such thing as cruel to be kind. i hate it. i work better with encouragement and positive motivation, not with people who bring me down. i hate the fact that this always happens when it's nearing my major exam or test. why do things like this get under my skin?

it doesn't motivate me to study properly. it doesn't motivate me at all. if you don't know how to motivate me, don't. i can do it myself. i can surround myself with positive, productive people. you don't have to worry. i'm good at that. i've been on survival mode since i stepped into the kindergarten.

i wish God will teach him a lesson. i don't ever wanna hear about how my maths sucks. yeah, i no maths skills, so what? i'm better at other subjects. i'm extraordinary some things. i'm special in someone else's eyes. thank God that i survive on God's grace. on his love. i don't think i will ever survive if i didn't. huhu.

dear...

2009-10-26T14:26:00.000+08:00

my semester has not ended yet, but i couldn't help but post a summary of it right now, despite the lack of thought into this post.

so many things happened. lessons were learnt.

Lesson 1: Bullshit 101
I realize how it must have felt like to be on the receiving end of bullshit and empty promises. Nobody promised me anything, but I realize now it's just so... shitty.

Lesson 2: Pride comes before a fall
I fell last two semesters. Taught me a lot about humility. I hope I get an A for my Chemistry II. I think I deserve a good gift after all my hard work? Haha. That's for God to decide. But I'm satisfied with this semester because I kept my pride in check, I got to know more people, and I balanced my time well. But I feel sad. Sad because I saw the ugliness in people.

Lesson 3: Not all is what they seem
I found hypocrites. In places where I least expected them.

Anyway, I feel hyped up to study, so I'm going to go and study, despite not showering yet. XD i just woke up, and i have a headache, but heck, i shall study. =]

pedis ati amai

2009-10-24T18:28:00.000+08:00

aku enda nemu nama agik ka digaga. nang pedis ati amai nggau bala diatu.

tu kemari pansut nggau pangan, iya encherita nggau aku madah ka nama ti dipadah org bukai. sida madah aku tu nang enda patut bulih mak aku arinya. kati ka asai nuan enti aku madah bakanya ngagai nuan?

ai.

ukai nama, mina aku tu bisi ga nang ngaga pengawa awak ka bulih utai bakanya. nuan ngumbai aku tu nang ngelusu baka kitak? nuan ngumbai aku tu enda kala ngasai ka pemedis ngaga pengawa skula?

aku pen enda nemu lapa aku agi manah nggau kitak, sempama sinu ka kitak ka dikumbai aku pangan ajak meh.

aku pun pedis ati nggau urang ka enda nemu megai ka janji. udah nusi brapa kali, nuan nemu aku tu mali ninga nuan enda nitih leka janji. lapa nuan ka bendar ngaga aku tu merinsa? lapa nuan tu enda nemu bterus trang madah ka nuan enda ulih ari pun-pun tu tadi? lapa ka ngaga aku tu pedis?

arap ka Allah Taala tauk meri ati aku tu bisi pengelantang. awak ka enda iboh ka bansa kitak nya ka enda nemu bepikir ka ati urang.

something

2009-10-19T04:22:00.000+08:00

i was reading through so many blogs today and just kinda wondered to myself, why do i even bother to keep a diary to chronicle my daily ravings?

i don't know. but it sure is fun to do it.

at this moment, i am looking at my pile of "trash" on my roommate's bed, and wondering how on earth am i going to clear it later.

and i have applications to do. so i will have to get it done as soon as possible, as well as i have an appointment with a friend tomorrow, cuz she needs help with numerical method. thank god for my a- in calculus 1. although i feel ashamed of calculus 2. ah. sick.

anyway.

yes.

applications
essays
quiz
test
finals
room cleaning.

i'm exhausted just from thinking about them.

oh. lab reports.

crud. i hate it lar.

aiyo. anyway, will upload pics someday.

failure

2009-10-19T03:47:00.000+08:00

i've been unsuccessful in cleaning my room. argh. i'm so frustrated. tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow. when shall i ever do it? i'm halfway through though. so it's good. but not enough. argh. i hate it.

heya

2009-10-15T11:30:00.000+08:00

will post up something during the break. for now i need some time off to be alone.

i'm not happy

2009-10-08T19:28:00.000+08:00

i know i have a lot to thank for. i know that i have a lot to appreciate.

but i don't like this.

she replied.

and told me to forget about that night.

i used to be able to do that. to compartmentalize and move on as if nothing happened. i don't know why or how that changed to this. i can't. it still gnaws on me. it bothers me. it's a thorn at the side. i want her to go, not because it's my birthday.

only the Lord knows just how cavalierly i treat my birthdays. i don't give a damn. i never did. to me it was just another day. an ordinary day. but a little special because people stop by to tell me happy birthday. but, it's nothing to me. funny, isn't it?

but she wants me to forget it, just because it's my birthday and my family's here. poor reason? not that i don't care about my family. i'm happy that i got to see my parents. happy that we can spend the time together for my birthday. but... again, it all comes down to how superficial my birthday is. i don't give a damn at all.

i don't know how to answer her.

haiz.

anyway, i bought something for her. i wonder if she would like it. i wonder if it would mean something to her. it's a simple gift. nothing elaborate. but i have elaborate plans.

i don't know what to do. the last time this happened... i ran to him. do you think he still wants me back? even after my straying? i fasted today, but i don't think it means anything to me. i don't know. i'll take it in stride, i guess.

i don't know what to expect on saturday. because... i know i can't pretend that there isn't anything between us. i don't know. i don't want to go through the "let me go" phase again. God knows i never healed from that. no matter how much i lied and pretended i'm okay. i forgave, but i didn't forget. i never asked God to heal me on that. does it matter? will it matter? it has taught me to never take her for granted. it has told me to be cautious with her. is it harming our friendship... this position of mine?

i'm scared. really. will God separate us? he already has. but ... will he let us be friends? best friends for life? it's scary. scary to think what he might do.

does this friendship mean much to me anymore? it still does. i just hide the scars better. that's all. i know that i shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. and i didn't. is it healthy? i don't know. for me, it was the best step at the time. i thought it was my way of healing. i don't know.

but i will keep the faith. in him. in her. in this. i will.

Lord, I pray for the lesson that you want to teach us through this. We go through this again and again because we have not learned our lesson. So what is it? Can you open our hearts to see it? I wanna learn it, and get it done and over with and never go through this. Is it healing? Is it total forgiveness? Did I really forgive her, as i thought? Or did I merely hide the scars?

Have I stopped seeking to understand her? Lord, did I mess up again? =[ It hurts. This hurts so bad. How do you expect me to smile?

Today.

2009-10-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

Today. Marks the renewed commitment to my God. Today.

backward, upside-down, topsy-turvy.

2009-10-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

my dunia tunggang-langgang.

=[

mum called, and asked about my saturday outing with my friends. i ... told her that it was still in negotiation. =[

im a bad liar.

ai.

i dunno.

she still havent reply me.

God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never should've strayed. I'm sorry.

my past.

2009-10-05T16:49:00.001+08:00

i thank God for the person I've become today. I can't imagine myself being the person I was, today. I don't think I can live with myself, needless to say, other people.

me.

2009-09-27T22:54:00.000+08:00

I have vices, as do virtues. But let's be realistic: I've done more wrong than I've done right.

I am not a humble person. I think I'm right. Always right. I like things done my way. I know what I'm talking about, and I want you to shut up and listen to me. Everything is about how right I am, and I want you to respect me because you have no idea what you're talking about. I do. I have an idea of what I'm talking about and what you're talking about.

I'm a perfectionist, and a lazybones. Yes, it's true. I don't want so many high expectations, and that's why I just act like I don't care. Given the chance, I'd take the reins from you and do it myself. Watch how it's done.

I like to tell people what I think. I don't give a damn if you're right or wrong because there's never a total right or wrong in this world. That's what I've come to learn. And I know someday you're gonna regret ever saying that I'm wrong, because you know I am right.

I like to win arguments. I don't give a damn if you're a mass comm student, or a law student or a toastmaster club member. I wanna win, and by hook or by crook, I will. Watch me.

All the above, thank God, has already been knocked out of me harshly, through experience.

My measuring stick is Jesus. Not you.

Ten Bridesmaids

2009-09-27T22:40:00.000+08:00

Sermon today was the second installment to Ps. Vic's two-part series: Transformers.

We talked about it after we came back, and, well...

I don't claim to be wise. I'm still learning. And I'm evaluating what I've learned.

For a person, I am a practical person. Despite my idealistic tendencies, my father has somehow managed to ground some pragmatic doctrines into me. I don't know. Probably why I find that today's sermon was rather practical, and answered some questions that I've asked in the past. Then someone mentioned that it could be a "Prosperity Church" doctrine.

I ... don't agree, neither do I disagree.

I believe that Ps. Vic is following God's footsteps and plan for the church faithfully. If he isn't, God knows how to deal with him. The church has entered a new season, and this message is timely, and is applicable to the church as a whole. For me, I'm just a hitchhiker who enjoys the atmosphere and tries to help out when I can, but I've not been following this set of footsteps from last season, and therefore I have no right in judging what kind of church it is based on one sermon.

I think it's practical for the church, so as long as they reap souls for Christ, in that vast harvest field, I don't see why we should go against them. We are created unique, no? And God has a different blueprint for our lives as individuals and churches, no? So what if that blueprint isn't to our liking and we're not comfortable with it? I don't see why we should criticize others who follow God's blueprint for their lives and church.

Granted, there may be some mistakes along the way in the way he addressed the issue, but as long as you have not done it for yourself and observe the results, you have no way for sure how to solve the problem. So til then, shut up.

I'm just so tired of having alpha males around and telling everyone else what to do. You know something? An Alpha Male is how the world sees a man. What God wants is a man after HIS own heart. Where you looking at, bro? Are you judging your sister? Your brother? Did you see the log in your eye? I've got some too, but not this log. And not this time.

my week off... in pictures.

2009-09-26T20:41:00.001+08:00

Awesome week.

my week off

2009-09-26T14:51:00.000+08:00

I have this knack for disappearing and appearing when I feel like it, and when people don't expect it. It's an escapist tendency that I just have in me, and I don't feel like changing it anytime soon. When people get way too close for me, I'd just go poof! down the rabbit hole into my own wonderland.

This time around, I've been missing because of the Raya break. My father insisted that I returned back to Miri, to coach my brother for his finals. I went back on Monday, but most of my friends went back on Friday itself. Oh, well.

The only one left behind with me was Jia Lerd. Heh. We were just bored out of our minds, despite having our assignments and lab reports to keep our minds and hands occupied. Until one day we walked past Stanley's car outside block H. Oh. That was the highlight of our holidays. Nothing like a good, loving prank to kickstart a relaxing break. Awesome, no?

We got busy on Saturday and Sunday, and asked a lot of people to write stuff for Stanley. Some of them are sweet. Some disgusting. Some are just plain funny. And some were reminders for him to stay faithful in his walk. Overall, we did a good job of redecorating his car. We even had the entire process well documented in pictures and videos. This will be my prank for the semester.

I got back on Monday, and it was okay. Nothing to rah about. Spent my week lazing around in the daytime, went to Audrey's house to pass her the gifts we bought for her, went to steam my hair, went out with Rachel, Kim Teck, Muammar and Basil and finally I'm back home. Haha. Well. All crammed into one tight week.

Anyway, God really helped me a lot throughout the week, and I want to thank Him for that. Woo. Had great food (chicken for dinner, almost every nite XD ) and great company. Was a little lazy, and told my mother that I'm only back for long holidays, instead of short. Especially Chinese New Year. I don't feel like going back.

Oh. Had nightmares about my quiz. Haha. I dreamt that I was on a roadtrip, and my bladder was full at the time, but that didn't matter much. As we approached INTI, back from our road trip, I realized that I had class. As I fumbled through my cluttered folder to find my schedule, I kept pulling out other people's schedule, and wondering how on earth did they get in there. Anyway, by the time we reached INTI, I figured my schedule would probably be in the room. So I raced up the stairs of what looked suspiciously like my secondary school staircase, only to be blocked by stupid stuffed animals. Oh. Hate them. But I found my schedule among them, and realized that it was a Saturday.

=.=

I woke up and went to pee. No point holding back my full bladder much longer. Especially not for a stupid dream like that.

Ah. Ok. I'm going to stop here, and just get on with my chores. I have a lot of things to accomplish by tonight, before Jia Lerd gets back. Heh.

leaving it all behind

2009-09-14T16:05:00.000+08:00

the past gnaws on me still.
soiled reputation, my own doing, no undoing.
regrets abound, yet nothing to be done.
look forward, move ahead, leave it all behind.

was tired. am tired. i had a late night. and because i didn't get enough sleep the day before, i'm depleted of my energy. i can't take it anymore.

you know what?

i hate going back to the same spot. i hate being sucked into the quicksand. everytime i put my foot near it, thinking that i've got better ways to stay on solid ground, it just sucks me back inside.

moral of the story? don't go back to the quicksand at all. remember where it was, and tell everyone else not to go there, but don't ever return. it's a waste of time, and ... you never know if you'll ever make it out alive.

i will move forward. i will leave behind my regrets.

Father,

i just want to get out of this. i can't do it alone. and i have a test later. dear Lord, teach me. teach me what i need to know. teach me HOW to know. =[

looking back

2009-09-05T11:35:00.000+08:00

looking back on things... I think i had better make the best out of my limited time in INTI. no buts.

i just wish some people feel the same way too.

he cares

2009-09-03T17:50:00.000+08:00

I believe that God cares. And though i shut myself away from others, I know they care too.

I wish I could tell my friends what I really feel, what I go through, and all that... but i find myself stopping short of saying, "I need a ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and arms to hug me." I just can't admit myself. I can't trust them. I'm sorry.

I'm really, really sorry.

I have a friend, whom I talk to on a regular basis, and yes, i know we both have time constraints, and I know I'm taking up some precious time with that person, that person might not like it, but... I just need someone I can talk to.

Anything.

Useless stuff particularly.

Because I'm not ready to tell anyone how I really feel. How bad things are for me at the moment. I hide beneath many layers of pretend. It kills me. Then I turn to Him.

I told Him, I can't take it all in alone, and I know that. I told Him, that at the same time, I can't tell anyone. Not because they aren't trustworthy, or that they can't help me... no, it's because I don't know how to express myself properly, and I don't think I'm worth the time they waste on me.

And some people think that way too. About me. That I can't express myself properly. And that I'm not worth the time.

I have so many insecurities. I don't want to bare them all to any particular person. I don't want or need a pity party, but at the same time, I don't want people to think highly of me. Too many high expectations, and I'm so scared that I can't meet them all. I'm so scared I can't.

This mask of confidence, this layer of cool,... they're just walls. Nobody but God can break through, but no man is an island, and I can't stay like this. I can't stay being Somebody else other than who I really am. I can't. It's too much on me. The effort is just too much. I can't take it anymore.

I don't know. God. I wish ... for someone who wouldn't think of me as lame, stupid, sad, insecure, silly, immature... when I tell them useless things. Because You know just how hard it is for me to open up. How hard it is for me to let the floodgates open. I'd rather die. Anyway. I wish I don't have to. But ... who am i, right? Who am I to be so exclusive?

I'm just a servant, and therefore, everything I have is for you.

a holiday update?

2009-09-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

well, my semester has officially started. and i'm back in inti, going to class tomorrow. it's a short semester.

anyway.

my holiday in point form:

1. arrival - wore a punjabi suit for my flight back home. =] managed to cause to some heads to turn and people to go wow. haha. sadly, my little prank intended for my dad backfired. he couldn't make it, and my mum came alone instead. and, while we were walking towards the car, i couldn't find it, and mum was like, here we are! in front of a toyota rush. my dad is ... cheeky. even my cousins in the states know that they bought a new car, and they thought it'll be funny to leave me in the dark.

2. driving - nobody lets me drive anything. partially because the new baby is well, untouchable, and the old tiara is unreliable. but anyway, after my brief training session with my uncle, i've been driving as much as i could, and i pretty much would say that i improved a lot since i last drove anyway. =]

3. cellphonessssss - i got new cellphones! yay! one is sony ericsson z770i, and the other is just a simple nokia 2630. awesome cuz now i can camwhore! yay! plus i get to chronicle funny moments without having to type so many words. lol.

4. external hdd - lol. first off, i wanna apologize to my dear friends. im sorry dude, your porn is lost. forever. HAHAHAHAH. tat was funny. lol. i lost my friend's porn, thanks to my external hdd crash. argh. frustrating, as some of my fan fiction works are in there. but anyway, since i have warranty, i get a brand new one in return. hopefully that when they take the old one apart, they won't try to backup the porn. haha.

5. crafts - managed to do some crafts and all. bleh. i feel like im getting my old life back, which is good. i missed it so much.

6. results - my results sucked so bad. but God said, humility before honor, so, i've come to accept it, and will try to do my best. i have butter finger faith when it comes to Kingdom things, and now i wanna train myself to be more careful. wasn't easy. and i slipped (and didn't tell anyone), but now i'm back. dear God, please keep me here.

well, that's it. and i better get some sleep. class at 8. argh.

im out of touch

2009-08-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

i feel so out of place. ai. i miss my friends.

Bck home

2009-08-17T17:46:00.001+08:00

Lol. Tot i'd try 2upload some pics. This is my bro, n frankly, we dont look related. Methinks. Haha. XDDD

gay?

2009-08-08T23:19:00.000+08:00

i... enjoyed watching the episode. criminal minds. epi 17. should try.

it's ... interesting.

to say the least.

but i kinda felt a brief, tender moment just before the confused-gay-murderer killed his victim. kesian... if only he wasnt struggling with his sexuality.

a chapter closed.

2009-08-08T22:44:00.000+08:00

im just too lazy. i think the vacation-bug just bit me.

anyway.

finished two books today, which i just bought today. wow.

ahaha.

anyway, that was super light reading. and now im bored. maybe i should start cleaning up my room.

maybe if i focus hard on it, it just might happen. mind over matter, aye?

u knw what...

2009-08-03T02:38:00.000+08:00

despite the fact that im having my finals tomorrow...

i cant help but blog.

and im feeling down actually.

even made Jialerd counsel me. haha.

=[

im fat
i feel stupid.
and i feel like giving up.

but there's something in me...
that says that i can do it.

and i will not let u look down at me. my best will ultimately be the best. because God's on my side.

2009-07-31T16:17:00.000+08:00

Hey God,

thanks.

i don't knw what else to say.

i want to offer the best for you.

please empower me with your strength?

i can't do this alone...

~Me.

THIS LIFE IS NOT OVER

2009-07-23T16:28:00.000+08:00

AH. just a random title. means nothing.

and i'm fat. huhu.

Stupid.

2009-07-14T09:48:00.000+08:00

Personally, I'm grateful that I'm here on a scholarship. Yes. And I'm grateful that the government has done many things the right way in the past. but this is ridiculous.

What gave them the right to trump over The People's voice regarding the English in Science and Maths?

We paid you to govern the country, to prosperity, not to step on our heads and bring us down to hell with you.

Sadly enough, the protest against English for Science and Maths are from people who only think about themselves. Need I say more?

I wonder...

how is it that you can still survive until now, with that defeatist attitude of yours?
if this kind of attitude is something you would want to pass down to your future generations?
if you realize that Malaysia is still a young country that must grow, that must learn that we simply cannot give up easily just because of poor results?
if you realize that those who do not help themselves and plant the seed or till the land cannot reap the harvest?
if you realize that despite our differences, despite our progress, we still remember our roots, we still keep our heritage intact?
do you even know what it means to govern the country? (hint: it means that you are not the owner, neither is the Yang Di-Pertuan Agong, but we all own it together, and that we all are given responsibilities to be a steward of this country)

Hey, old friend.

2009-07-13T09:33:00.000+08:00

Hey, it's me. Still remember me?

I was the one who used to cry at ur feet. and hug u so tight you probably would've died of suffocation if i didn't realize.

I was the one you cheered up when I was down.

I was the one that you told off when I got smart-alecky on you.

I was the one... who walked away when you needed me around.

I'm sorry old friend.

Would you take me back?

=[

2009-07-09T21:07:00.001+08:00

i dun wanna think about it.

i don't understand why.

maybe, maybe it's time for me to pick up that book again.

"why God doesn't answer prayers."

does it matter ?

2009-07-07T19:57:00.001+08:00

i don't feel a thing anymore.

and frankly, i find it difficult to cope with.

im not sure exactly how am i supposed to cope with it. and i want to. i want to be funny again. but this time, up the doses. i wanna find back that sense of humor. i want to find the old Madonna back. where did she go? why did she want to blend in the crowd?

what was i trying to hide?

a lot of things.

my life is convoluted. i don't know where's the beginning, and where's the end. i have so much fake emotions stored up, i don't knw what's real anymore. seriously. who am i? do i give a damn?

intiball.

2009-07-06T23:47:00.000+08:00

i look fat. ignore it.

who am i?

2009-07-06T22:16:00.000+08:00

im lost again.
in a good way i think.
i need a personality revamp.

last nite, went out supper.
felt out of place.
experimented.
realized.
grateful.
excited.

bye.

a tiring, moodless day

2009-07-06T22:08:00.000+08:00

i am tired la.

and no mood.

even though i've completed my calculus revision.

and redo some stuff.

and played captain ball.

and eric & alvin flying off on thu, and i wont be there.

i still feel nothing.

feelings are not meant as a yardstick.

i guess.

ok.

anyway

after this:

would like to get a few things done - my calculus homework + revision, chemistry lab report, arts term paper, get started on philosophy term paper, etc.

therefore, get calculus notes from liya, lab reports - draw graphs, arts - format from nisha.

ok. bye.

JUNIORS.

2009-07-05T14:47:00.000+08:00

ah. the legacy continues?

i have no idea. let time be the judge of that.

when i first saw them, i saw faces of... innocence. innocent little minds yet to be corrupted. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHA.

but we'll see. i will keep a low profile and witness the sprouting of these young beans, and see ... lol. i have a feeling we're bound to see young, conceited upstarts, while there shall be humble ones. some are out to make a name for themselves already, and well, it's good to start early, but you wouldn't wanna use up your fuel for gimmicks. are they that excellent? i'll be better. just better. it's not that i don't want to be the best, but i want to be better. better and better. better and better and better. somebody get me off the keyboard. argh. ok. done.

for my juniors

2009-07-05T14:45:00.001+08:00

if u need any movies, songs, or whatnots, just use dc++ and find DEATHbyKiss. =P

plus,

welcome to INTI.

enjoy your life here.

and have a good time, appreciate the friends you make here, and live life to the fullest - meaning, balance ur study time with ur work. =P

oh. and u can borrow our lab reports. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. XDDDDDDDDDD

2009-07-05T14:33:00.000+08:00

i don't feel like blogging, but hey, what can i do wor?

anyway.

i have a calculus assignment that i have to complete by monday, since the lecturer extended the time already. then there's a pending chemistry assignment. also, i have to complete some calculus homework, which i left unfinished because of a busy stressful weekend. and then there would be my arts term paper that i have type out. also, have to at least start on my philosophy term paper. ok.

upcoming test is stressful. bound to kill me. oh dear. but never mind. i shall trust in the Lord, My GOD. he shall deliver me from evil XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

haha. hopefully. i told my mum that i have confidence (not over confidence) that i will be attending the awards ceremony in october, not as a spectator, but as the awards recepient. i don't care. i want to get at least on the dean's list. hopefully. i wanna get there. that's my goal. if i can get president's list, then thank God. if dean's list, thank God. if none, still thank God. but of course disappointed lar. but with that in mind, i have focus. i have a focus point. i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, so don't be of little faith. yeah madonna. you can do it. =]

God as a cheerleader. oh. how cute. =P lol. >.< ok. better i go start with my calculus. otherwise, there will be no end to what i want to type.

wow.

2009-07-01T07:30:00.000+08:00

today marks the first day i stepped here. and today is when FRESH YOUNG BLOOD ARE COMING IN.hahahahahahahhahaa.

time for me to look for a perfect candidate to pass on my evilness to. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAH.

anyway, am excited to see who they are, and what they're like... (see, im nice...) and well, it's just that for the sake of maintaining my cool exterior, i have to act nonchalant about it. but seriously i wanna see who they are, and well, if just basically start selling stuff to them.

im an opportunistic fella. deal with it.

anyway. today drama day. and about 8 days from now - calculus 2. the bane of my existence. ah.

well. this marks the first time i've ever, ever been so nostalgic. psh.

=.= can i give up?

2009-06-28T17:11:00.000+08:00

i don't feel so good these few days. and no, it's not swine flu u swine.

anyway.

i just feel like giving up. everything. i've tried, i really tried changing... but i can't...

i'm just a good-fer-nuthin kid.

i just wanna be the old me again. i hate this new person. i hate her.

nobody likes her enough to be sincere with her. everywhere she goes, she sees masks, she sees fakes.

so what does one do to counter that?

my solution is simple.

in a dog-eat-dog world, be the impounder - so you can shoot the dogs.

haha.

so i'll just be someone just like them, or worst.

nobody has any rights to go around spread false rumors about me and still act like some good friend or at least a nice acquaintance. go shove a stick up ur orifice.

if i may be so bold as to explain the situation here, i will.

i make friends with people, regardless of who they are, what their jobs are, and how old they are. i don't give a damn. as long as i can talk to you, as long as you can talk to me, and as long as we enjoy each other's company in a platonic way, and as long as you don't have ulterior motives, and neither do i....

WHO GIVES A BLOODY DAMN?

why are you so narrow-minded?

you know something?

go screw some dog.

argh. why so paranoid?
why so narrow-minded??

anyway. not going to bother with likes of u.

an idle mind is the devil's playground...

2009-06-28T17:06:00.000+08:00

lol.

i was idling. and came up with an ingenious idea to form a slacker's social network for my inti buddies.

so.

i'm too damn lazy to type out a description for it. and can't be bothered enough to build up a hype for it. so yes. check it out yourself.

Click.

?

2009-06-28T06:29:00.000+08:00

i got counseled. XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

haha.

anyway,

i now know that... though i may want to rid myself of worrying for the future, at the very least, i should have goal in mind, doesn't matter how i'm going to get there, but at least i know what i want, and where i wanna stand, and that's enough. enough for me know just how to make the best out of every breathing, living moment.

philosophy

2009-06-28T00:21:00.000+08:00

i have midterm on tuesday. i also have term paper to write.

topic: our own philosophy about GOD, LOVE, LIFE, HUMAN,... and something. i forgot.

whatever...
what i'm concerned about is... will my philosophy about God be branded as heresy?

i hate this

2009-06-27T17:07:00.000+08:00

i feel so empty.

everything i do is worthless.

nothing means anything anymore.

i'm at this very low point, and no, it's not pms.

i know where i stand.

i hate the fact that people think i'm young.

i haven't been through life that much, but one thing i do know: never try to run away from home.

depends on what home means to you, my home is where my heart is.

and i wish... i wish to heavens that this concept, this truth, this THING ("there's no one else there for you but GOD") is DRILLED into me, INTEGRATED fully into my being, FLOWS in my veins, ABSORBED by my mind, and EMBRACED by my soul.

why can't i?

why??

anyway.

i shall live in the present. fully focused on things that matter. no moment is an ordinary moment. i can make it, or break it.

i wanna break this ego. this arrogance. this contemptuousness. this imbecility. this rudeness. this black spot on white sheet.

it's time.

sometimes i wonder

2009-06-27T16:39:00.000+08:00

can i go away?

i wanna run away.

everyone's talking about their future.

i hate it here.

i wanna run away.

i've been finding the escape routes... but end up bruised.

bastard

2009-06-27T10:38:00.000+08:00

some people are born jerks. but because they know that people don't like jerks, and they crave for attention and adoration - they learn to hide it.

bastard.

whatever.

this funny feeling

2009-06-23T22:25:00.000+08:00

let me speak in 2nd person.

have you felt like there was this sinking feeling in your gut?

it feels like the time when you were hiking down the mountains, and in the midst of boredom, you kicked a pebble and inadvertently started an avalanche. you didn't know what you were doing... just that you were pretty sure it wasn't something that big... and didn't think it would be a catastrophe. you know something?

i'm done.

i think that if i look back on this day, on this particular moment, i would laugh to myself, and shake my head and say, "I've been silly. Honestly, did I really think that?"

I'm not sure anymore. Dear God, I know for sure that you still love me, and you're still here with me. Daddy, please hold on to me. Please? I don't want to get frostbite under the pile of snow while waiting for my rescuer. =]

love you. as always.

my dad's a superhero

2009-06-22T00:49:00.000+08:00

Hey Papa,

don't think i can say this face to face or by phone, since that would be awkward... i think. HAHA. ANYWAY,

thank you millions-millions of thanks for being the coolest dad a kid has ever known. You've showed me to never fear to live, and this level of confidence that i have, in people, and in my dreams, and in myself, i know i owe it all to you. you taught me to believe in people, although others wont... but of course, not foolishly la. at least i learnt that. =]

anyway, thanks papa, coz you seem to know what you're doing with this kid of yours, but i guess inside you're pretty unsure if i turned out ok or not. =P but anyway, don't worry, i won't disappoint you.

i'm sorry dad, if ever i made you sad or disappointed, and if i ever made you question your abilities as a dad. I'm sorry for the times that i was angry or upset with you over stupid stuff, and judged you for that. Thanks dad, for being cool about it, and still haven't disown me. =P

anyway, cooking is an art - that's what i learnt from you, and that's what i'll always follow. HAHA. thanks papa, for protecting me, and taking care of me, and all the funny stuff you did with us when we were kids. thanks for spending your free time with me, and for the talks you shared with me.

thank you daddy, for letting go of your fears, when i told you that i had different dreams from you. thank you for supporting me, for being there for me when i needed you. thank you daddy... for challenging me when you knew i was complacent, for pulling me to my feet when i fell down, for showing me the way when i was lost, for bringing out the best in me when i felt like i was worthless.

papa, if i could give you angels, or give you all the rottweilers, and red jeeps and keris and all the ships in the world, for you... i would. i don't know how to repay you, and i know that i never will be able to. you worked hard, you shed your tears, sweat and blood... to provide for us as a family, and i never got to tell you how much i appreciate that.

i hope that Papa, when i come back, after achieving my dream.. that you will know... there's no way you can fail as a dad. but i guess you already knew that.

i miss home. and i think home misses me too. =P

Love,

Donna.

thank you

2009-06-16T21:41:00.000+08:00

thanks mum, dad... for everything.

thanks for believing in me. thanks for providing me with the things you thought were good for me, things that you didn't get to own... thanks. for your sacrifice. i don't think i can say this to you face to face, but i hope, i hope... that once i've fulfilled my dreams, i will return... and i will kneel at ur feet, and say thanks. thanks for doing this for me. i won't be here where i am, without you. without your guidance, and thanks, mum, papa, for loving me unconditionally.

post under 5

2009-06-15T16:30:00.000+08:00

will type out in 5 minutes. wanna increase my speed. cheh.

anyway, been a good day so far. later have 6pm class, so gonna miss captain ball. sad. =[
and eric's in vicinity, but in kl. sad. =[
and i have homework and test this week. sad. =[
also, i have to do correction for my arts. sad =[
and i have to revise my chemistry. sad. =[
anyway, never mind lar. let it be. i shall rise above and do what i should do, and go further than that.

oh. and william's in town, the bugger. no call people one. and some more hide perempuan, dun wan say. ceh. u wait lar.

and well, ok. oh. last night - decorated the board for the icf event this coming july. not to my liking, but heck, the job's done, right? and besides, it looks good. i have a good time. we did it in 1 hour and 15 mins. a record time, as far as publicity is concerned. especially with a team of slackers. we're pretty good when crunching for time, i would say. =]

anyway, the location of the spot is rather not strategic, but hopefully God will send people to our booth. oh. and remind me to get my money for the intiball. i so wanna go! oh. and i better ask erwin later. erm. ya. whether they have a table ady or not. ai. ok. hasta la vista, baby~

procrastination is suicidal

2009-06-14T13:55:00.000+08:00

one of these days i'm going to die of procrastination. wanna know why? because of that, i'm running around doing things last minute and having burnouts faster than my pc can load the sims 3. ugh. as of now, i'm trying to type out all my thoughts in under 3 minutes, so that i can take a half-hour nap, and get to work, plus tonight i'm super busy, and tomorrow i have class. geez.

anyway, this week will be an eventful week for me. i am going to see just how well i'm doing in my calculus, plus, my dad's birthday soon. and then...will have some movie nites during the weekend to take the tension off. unless my mind tells me i have to go shopping. haha. no money no talk right?

ok. well, next time update with more posts lar. i think i wanna start a small business lar. need more money. oh, and remind me to finish off some work for grace, and then, i also have to start studying my chemistry and philosophy. too long have i been a slave to calculus, though a willing one. ok.
bye.

GO STUDYYYYYYYYYYYY

2009-06-07T19:45:00.001+08:00

I'M BEGGING YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....go study larrrrrrrrrrrr

aiyo.

u know or not, that fella will look down at you if you dont pass test 1???????????????? AIYO. GO STUDY.

YOU'RE NOT STUPID. JUST LAZY. REMEMBER what happened the last time you were lazy????

UGH.

2009-06-07T19:15:00.000+08:00

was tagged. amazingly. hmm. time to spread the evil pixie dust.

Rule: Be honest no matter what, then tag at least 10 friends.

01. Who was your last text from?
My roommate - to tell me she was at dining hall

02. Where was your default picture taken?
In my room

03. Your relationship status?
I'll be honest - I don't wanna answer this.

04. Have you ever lost a close friend?
Yes

05. What is your current mood?
Just woke up - so blur

06. How many siblings do you have?
One

07. Whats your brother(s)/sister(s) names?
Ferguson Narutu Anak Nobel (HEHEHHEEHEHEHE)

08. Where do you wish you were right now?
Sims - where i can do anything

09. Have a crazy side?
That's all i show to ppl around here

10. Ever had a near death experience?
Nah

11.Something you do a lot?
Watch

12. Angry at anyone?
Yes

13. What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
It's complicated. Haiz.

14. When was the last time you cried?
Friday night

15. Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Plenty

16. What are you thinking about when you are falling asleep?
Funny stuff - jokes to tell

17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Mum

18. What is your favorite song?
Always be my babi ...cheh... always be my baby - David Cook

19. What are you doing right now?
Procrastinating from finishing my calculus

20. Who do you trust right now?
God

21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Bought

22. Have you kissed someone in the past week?
Yes

23. Who is your friend that lives closest to you?
Jia lerd

24. Describe your life in one word?
Fantastic

25. Who are you thinking of right now?
Jialerd and Eden

26. What should you be doing right now?
Doing work

27. What are you listening to?
Song

28. Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
Grace?

29. Who was the last person who yelled at you?
No one. They don't yell.

30. Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nah, Why bother?

31. What is your natural hair color?
Brown

32. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Forgot. Laugh a lot

33. Who was the last person to make you sad?
Haha. Me?

34. What do you hear?
My roommate going to bathe

35. Is your hair curly or straight?
Straight

36. Has anyone ever called you "scrumptious" before?
Nah, but been called in similar terms though.

37. Do you have a best friend?
Yes

38. Held hands with the opposite sex in the past 3 days?
Lol. I held with someone today. but I can explain!

39. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?
Lazy

40. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
No

41. Are you happy with life right now?
Dunno actually

42. Are you currently jealous?
No

43. What jewelery are you wearing now?
Ring

44. What were you doing on friday night?
Studying for SAT

45. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Duh. Plenty.

47. Is there anybody you're really disappointed in right now?
Yes

48.What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
MC & Meds

49.How late did you stay up last night and why?
0120 - as usual. was trying to sleep

50. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
I have commitment issues.

The 10 people are...
Kelvin Chiong Tak Lek
Tan Szet Lynne
Lynn Chong Li Ling
Ng Jia Lerd
Benedict Khoo Kar Bin
Jonathan Low
Aiman
Safwana
Ji Mi
Jessica Yong
Chloe Chong Swee Cheng or Cheng Swee Chong. bleah.

HAPPY

2009-06-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

SAT FINALLY OVER

NOW FOR TOEFL

REGISTER ON MONDAY

AND MY . CAME
hahahahahaha. finally the source of my unhappiness is found.

beau bristow

2009-06-05T11:28:00.000+08:00

Beau Bristow...

truth be told, did not expect such a positive response and turnout for the event. and i confided in eric abt it, to which he replied - "it's God's event, so let Him decide the numbers." haha. yeah. he's right. i shouldn't care. what matters most is that i'm doing my job, that things will turn out ok, and that i did my best for him. i tried. i really did... and it was ok actually.

i was a little disappointed with my backdrop... but i learnt a few lessons.

anyway, wanna talk about the concert last nite.

it was fantastic. he's a very good singer, guitarist and speaker. =] seriously. it isn't easy for someone to come down to a college kid's level, especially if they've gone through a lot in life. but really, what he spoke about last nite really struck me. and his music was out of the mould. a lot of questions, a lot of things that really connect the listener to the music... and lyrics.

am so blessed to go through this concert. hopefully the crowd liked his music, and not the fact that he's some famous ang-moh. haha. took a pic with him. so, hopefully turns out ok. =]

and... oh. had a great supper. yeah. bye

translation?

2009-06-01T16:20:00.000+08:00

been waiting for you, afraid to approach you, because i am aware of who i am, and where i stand with you. i thought you would take notice, and let me into your inner circle. i've been here, for a long time, as long as i can remember, doing things that i thought would change your mind about me...and finally let me in.

i feel like giving up, but i'm in too deep to let go. it feels right. but... i can't help but wonder... i know that you will remain the same, but if i just walked away now, would you realize it? would you stop your games, finally? would you come clean?

i'm not so sure about you. i wonder if who i was before is the real self i should be. i adore everything about you, but would i really miss our time if i just walked away? can i just walk away without the guilt?

you love me, don't you?

2009-05-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

yes. you know i do.

just bear with me.

wait for me.

please understand my situation.

-- words from a liar?

sounds familiar?

2009-05-30T20:25:00.000+08:00

been waiting by edge of the ocean, by the seaside as the waves come and go. been waiting for the same sort of wave that would take me gently into the sea, to protect me in a bubble as i explore the impenetrable sea. been waiting for ages... been chasing the little crabs running out of their homes, been writing stuff in the sand, only to get them washed off by the waves.

sometimes, i just feel like leaving the seaside... but it's the closest thing to home. it's where i feel free. sometimes... i wonder... i know that the waves would never stop coming and going... but will the ocean stop looking so pretty if no one was there to see it? would it stop looking so impenetrable, so mysterious, so enigmatic... if no one was there to appreciate its dark beauty?

i've been wondering... is the sea my home, my bubble, my sanctuary? or is the sky, where i used to fly? where i would look down from up above, and see the world at my feet... i'm feeling the soft sand beneath my feet, and the waves that come would tickle me, before disappearing back into where they belong... but is it something i would miss? do i really want to have the tingly sensation of the sand and waves beneath my feet, or do i really crave the rush of air in my face as i fly high in the sky - far away from the chaos of this world?

i'm tired of waiting. all this while... i just want that wave to come back... and take me into the sea. take me back. from whence i came.

i can't fly forever. it's taking a toll on me. let me go back.

no mood

2009-05-26T13:24:00.000+08:00

im out of my element nowadays. and i just want to stop, stop, stop everything and redo. haha. typical kiasu. but really lar. am very tired at where this is going. i don't know anymore, what is right, and what is wrong...

i'm tired. i'm messed up. i wish. i wish things to be different. but that's just a silly wish. never mind. fools are much happier. according to me. haha. okays. i'm just leaving now.

i miss u

2009-05-25T21:16:00.000+08:00

hey.

i just want to say...

i miss you old man. haha

wish you were here instead of sibu. haiz.

i'm sorry for always ditching you.

thanks for being my listening ear.

you

2009-05-25T21:10:00.000+08:00

you

should

stop.

stop.

stop.

die.

missmissmiss

2009-05-25T09:15:00.000+08:00

things/people i miss:

- eric tan yun peng..... haha. never thought he'd make the list, but still hung up over the fact that he's gone. =[

- alvin ting see ik... never thought i'd type his name in here, but yes, his presence is very much missed........................

- family... my parents just came and went over the weekend. =[ it's hard staying away from home for months.

- rachel & aud... 'nuff said? nah... my two wonderful friends. =[

- kolo mee...oh my kolo mee..............................................how i wish we have a swkian hawker stall in nilai. i would eat there for months. huhuhu.

- ?? cant think of anymore. but lately... the pangs of homesickness and missing people has struck me. haiz.

sex on the beach

2009-05-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

haha. no. it's a name of a cocktail, and cocktail is a mixture of alcohol and other stuff...so, yes, this post shall be a mix of stuff.

i will be seeing my parents tomorrow, my mum just gave me my itinerary while i will be staying with them. Friday, after my Calculus class (remind me to talk about it later) I will be rushing back to my dorm, get my stuff and go off to KTM, then meet up with my mum. I'm not sure if my dad will be there too, so anyway, after that, go back hotel, meet up with dad, then meet up with koko chey, then go back hotel. Saturday go One-U. HAHAHAHAHA. *evil laughter* oh, speaking of shopping, remind me to go collect rachel's teddy bear tomorrow. been busy lately. haiz.

anyway, Sunday, my parents will be flying off in the afternoon, so I will be going back to INTI with them. Kinda. anyway. ya.

oh. I just had dinner with Eric just now, and i promised to chia him, coz he waited for my class to finish then have dinner with him. plus, i gave him the peanuts and cornflakes snack to snack on, mana tau he havent finish it yet, but oh well, at least he liked it =] hehe. he's going off soon, so will be missing him. Alvin went off already. =[ miss him liao. ah.

oh. today, i forgot my purse, but thank God met up with Erwin, and he passed me back my pencils, and i asked if i could borrow his $ for lunch. =$ not nice to ask, but he agreed, so ok lar. went to have lunch with him, =] and it was nice. haha. then...saw Kelvin at cafeteria, but he didn't see me, so i texted him, and then he saw me, and he texted me back, "Was that erwin?? tsk tsk tsk" HAHAH. LOL XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

silly fella.

haha.

i like all my guy friends, those from my cf. they're all very sweet, and kind. and gentlemanly, actually. wow. =] haiz.

and then... oh. today, Norman didn't go to Calc 2 extra class, so Mr N actually bombarded me with his lame jokes...................................................... sienz =.=""" then at the end of the class, he apologized to me, and i replied him back, "I know you miss Norman..." and he laughed. lol. i guess lecturers do tend to get affectionate of unlikely students. HAHA. so cute.

also, i finished my integration questions, and as of now, as soon as i finish my questions, i will try my best to re-do everything, only now with time limit, so that i can "increase my speed" (quoting from AHEM - hahahahahahah!). anyway, i never knew i could finish my integration questions that fast coz since high school, i've always been weak in integration, but differentiation was fantastic coz my teacher that time was fast in teaching, and i never got bored in her class. but the integration, we learned in form 5 mah, then my teacher was a young lady, who had limited experience, so i guess it kinda got boring in her class (please read it as: "i slept in her class") hahaha.

and guess what? it was fun, with the adrenaline rush to be the fastest (i was actually competing with Francis and Sher Minn, coz they were doing it pretty fast, but it was for my own benefit) and to be right at the same time. I wanted to build my own self confidence, so, yeah, it was a good experience. i think i study better in groups, especially if i'm competing. haha. pressure and adrenaline keeps me going. then, what arh? oh. i had no questions to ask. yay! i had a few goals in mind when i started my Calc2. i wanted to practice as much as i can, then, do them really fast, and also, increase my mental power in calculations as well as to grasp the concept and apply them equally fast until i reach a level where i don't need to go to the lecturer to ask him anything.

=]

i think i'm very satisfied with my achievement, but i still want to do more. i want to be the best. i want to make myself the best.

also..............................................

yay. i'm done. and i havent done my lab report yet. hahaha. ok lar. i go now. talk next time.

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-18T03:27:00.000+08:00

my parents will be here next weekend.

i miss my dad.

i miss my mum.

=]

and we're going to one utama.

sometimes, i guess people do think that i'm the only child. HAHAHAHA.

TAKE THAT, FERGUSON. bleh.

i forgot

2009-05-15T17:15:00.000+08:00

i forgot that people disappoint.

i forgot that promises are made to be broken.

i forgot that empty words do not make a man.

i forgot... never to trust a liar.

i forgot... never give your heart away so easily. especially if that person isn't used to holding hearts in his hands.

i forgot...

and now...

these tears are worth nothing.

i'm sorry God.

i'm really sorry.

i'm coming home.

i'm coming home.

please leave the lights on for me.

A letter to Mum

2009-05-10T21:52:00.000+08:00

Hey mum,

I don't exactly know what are the chances that you will stumble upon this blog of mine, but just let me say some stuff in here ya?

I'm sorry mum that I cant say this face to face, or even over the phone, because I don't think I can go through with it. Yeah.

Anyway,

thanks so much for being the coolest mum a kid has ever known. For all your evil cackles, and cheeky remarks, mum, you taught me to take life by horns. Somehow la. Haha. Anyway, yes, thanks a lot mum, for playing such a huge important role in my life and not flunking it.

I'm sorry mum, for all the horrible things I've said and done in the past, that broke your heart and made you question your worth as a mum... I know now that it's not easy, and I know now that God made you specially for me. I'm sorry mum, for judging you unfairly, and for all the callous words I've thrown at your face. There isn't any excuse for me to say that will make you forgive me, but still you forgave me - just because you love me. Thanks so much.

Thanks so much for your home cooking, for your jokes to make me laugh, for your strength that I used to lean on, and for your quirky wisdom that made me look at life differently. I never would've been the person that I am today without you.

Thanks mum, for standing up for me, I wish I could do that for you too... but I don't how. I wish I can give you the moon... and I miss you a lot mum. Right now, I really wish that I'm at home, and talking to you, and joking and telling you about college life... I really wish I can taste your food that you cook for me, and I really wish I got the chance to say that I really love you mum.

I'm really sorry for being short of an ideal daughter for you. I know I'm not perfect... and you know that too, but you still believe in me. Mummy, I won't let you down.

And mum,

Have a wonderful Mother's Day.

Miss you.

sad

2009-05-09T16:54:00.000+08:00

sad.

i hate gossipers.

and frankly, after coming to inti... i realize that gossiping...is really...really...really... beyond stupidity and even not fit to be called immature. let's just say, gossipers are even an insult to idiots.

ugh.

i hate it here.

i want my simple life back.

i mean, there's just nothing, zilch, nada! zip! NOTHING to gossip abt two good friends of opposite sexes. wat the fuck do you want to do with me?

why cant u just leave me be? mind ur own business.

cuz i don't bother with u. ur not worth my time.

nooooooooooooooooooooo

2009-05-07T02:53:00.000+08:00

i overslept today. had a nap, then overslept like crazy. and norman and alvin actually studied. the paranoid side of me is itching to find out HOW AND WHAT ARE THEY STUDYING.

argh. never mind. i shall not panic. and it's time for me to start drafting out my timetable. =] haiz. sadly i'm not sure about extra classes and all.

oh.

and i have to stop my overactive imagination.

argh.

GOD,

PLEASE HELP.

kthxbai.

of chemistry and philosophy

2009-05-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

i wonder.

today:

went out with jialerd to class, and she generously (THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) gave me a piece and a half of butterscotch bread (IT'S SO GOOD, U CAN EAT IT ON ITS OWN - Eric Tan Yun Peng) hehehe.

somewhere along the way, she wished God good morning. I was like. oh. Morning, God.heh. was grouchy to get out of bed so early. so didn't wish properly. but PHILOSOPHY class was postponed. WOW. u get that from wishing him a good morning? *evil grin*

chemistry was great. love it to bits. so much easier than biology. but i like biology too. come to think of it now. haiz. =]gotta go jogging.

flirt?

2009-05-04T09:57:00.001+08:00

may i?

haha.

i have an issue.

it seems that people misconstrue my good-natured teasings and conduct as flirting. saaaaaaaaaaad. i mean, hoi, cannot ka if i want to play around? it's not like i'm leading anyone on. please la. it's my own brand of fun kua. but it's something i'm so used to, and i don't know when i'm flirting or playing! it's like breathing to me already.

but haiz.

it sucks when people think you're having some sort of crush or "something" with an authority figure (eg. lecturer) because I DON'T. ew. gross la. i mean, not wrong kan, if i look to them for advice and such? i hate it la. i mean, it's kinda flattering perhaps that if an older figure had some sort of interest in you, but after a while, the novelty wears off and it becomes sort of ... weird.

whatever la. I'm happy the way things are now. I'm free. I have friends. I have good, good guy friends. =] they are so sweet (and evil............................)

hhahahahahhaha. takes one to know one. so means that I'm sweet. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. (I can identify evil coz of bad experience. XDDDDDDDDDDD sien, dun wan admit im evil lar.) HAHAHAHAHA.

HAIZO. i enjoy this life, ok? i have to, what other choice do i have wor?

i had a dream

2009-05-04T04:45:00.000+08:00

no, not the pastor vic's sermony dream. hahaha. ok.

was really nauseous when i came back from church today. then throughout the journey back, i was thinking, is it because of stan's driving? lol. he would've killed me for that. but personally, i prefer his driving to hin yew's. er. i would say stan's driving is "mommy-certified" heheh. if my mum was around, that is.

anyway, when i got back, all i did was take off my shoes and went to sleep. so tired. and i just slept. and i dreamt.

boy. what a dream. it was...cool. i might draw it out. if God lets me have that dream again. i want it though. it's kinda interesting.

anyway, here goes:

I dreamt that I was dressed in some Chinese costume, and I was seated at mid-table of a very long table where the EVIL elite of the kungfu world are seated. Don't ask me how i knew it was all the kungfu people there. I just knew. Somehow lar. We were all in a tent, and inside was lit up candles. So ambience was nice. And on my right were people who have not been tested. On my left were those being tested and challenged and the two men who invented a new sort of kungfu/technology that they would hand down to a worthy successor. The best of the best came, to contest for the top spot as the worthy successor. Now, since I had a strategic spot in between these two different groups, I had the opportunity to watch the left group being challenged by the two men. The questions were simple. Seriously. It felt like SPM all over again. Way simple. List down four characteristics of so-and-so technique, blahblah. Stuff like that. Just theoretical, not even anything to do with kungfu. Then we wondered what happened to those who failed, and rumors circulated around the table that those who failed were sentenced to death. Which was why they disappeared. High stakes man. Anyway, bear in mind these people are evil. Haha. As for myself, I had no idea what I was doing there.

And somehow, there was this girl, who was perhaps the Governor's daughter, or something, seated at a table behind me. This happened earlier in the evening. Anyway, she was wearing a frilly dress, and was cooking up a fuss because she was hungry and food wasn't served for her. Everyone else was silent as we sipped our wine. Then the Grand Master (one of the two fellas testing the others - he's a monk by the way) came to my side, took a bowl of chicken wings and served her. She couldn't stop eating, and soon, the crowd asked me to retrieve the bowl so they could have some too. I tried, but someone stopped me and told me to leave the bowl. I did, and just stood there watching the brat. The woman next to her was smiling SLYLY as she sipped her wine, and I knew - the chicken was poisoned. The girl died. And nobody dared make any demands.

Anyway, I sat next to this glutton who was also a slight coward, despite his large size. And he was afraid of the guy seated across. The guy had purple sticks covering every inch of his face. It's like his specialty is maintaining his energy to ensure the sticks don't fall off his face. And he uses them as chopsticks. Haha. That was cool.

Anyway, I thought, why don't I give it a shot, since the questions are so easy? But some bunch of people pushed their way thru. Ish. hateable. never mind.

FAKE?

2009-05-04T04:44:00.000+08:00

FAKE?

no reason for the post. just bored. and can't sleep.

oh! i wanna talk abt my exciting fantasy dream! LOL.

movieeessssssssssssss

2009-05-04T04:25:00.000+08:00

was not tagged, but wanna keep track of the movies i've watched so far. lol. i watch lots of genres, but the main ones i like are comedy, action/adventure, thriller/horror and romance. heheheheheh. er. hehe

Teen/ Romance:
() The Cinderella Story
() Another Cinderella Story
() Step Up
() Step Up 2
(x) High School Musical
(x) High School Musical 2
(x) High School Musical 3
() Hannah Montana Movie
(x) Enchanted
(x) Sydney White
Total: 5

() She's the Man
(x) Licensed to Wed
() The Break-up
(x) 13 going on 30
(x) 27 Dresses
(x) P.S I Love You
(x) Made of Honour
( ) What Happens in Vegas
(x) Get Smart
( ) The Princess Brides
Total: 6

(x) Camp Rock
() Wild Child ( can't remember what was it about though)
() Ella Enchanted
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
(x) 50 First Dates
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Hotel For Dogs
( ) Just Married
(x) Freaky Friday
Total: 5

(x) The Hot Chick
() Sleepover
( ) Confessions Of a Shopaholic
(x) Twilight
(x) Nancy Drew
() The Devil Wears Prada
(x) No Reservations
() Perfect Man
() Australia
( ) Never Been Kissed
Total: 4

Comedy/Humour:
(x) Yes Man
(x) Bedtime Stories
() The Pink Panther
() The Pink Panther 2
() Marley & Me
() Cheetah Girls
() Cheetah Girls 2
( ) Bratz
(x) Haunted Mansion
( ) Paul Blart Mall Cop
Total: 3

() The 40-year-old virgin
(x) Night in the Museum
( ) Night in the Museum 2
() Evan Almighty
(x) Bruce Almighty
(x) White Chicks
() Never ending Story
(x) Meet the Spartans
(x) Meet the Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
Total: 6

( ) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 6

Adventures:
(x) Harry Potter 1: The Sorcerer’s Stone
(x) Harry Potter 2: The Chamber's Secret
(x) Harry Potter 3: Prisoner of Azkaban
(x) Harry Potter 4: Goblet of Fire
(x) Harry Potter 5: Order of Phoenix
(x) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Total: 9

(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(x) Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull
(x) The Mummy
(x) The Mummy 2
(x) The Mummy 3
(x) Journey to the Center of Earth
( ) City of Ember
(x) Finding Never land
Total: 9

(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End
(x) X-Men
(x) X-Men 2
() X-Men 3 Origins Wolverine
(x) Spider-Man
() Spider-Man 2
() Spider Man 3
(x) King Kong
Total: 7

() Hellboy
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
() Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
() Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
() Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
() Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
()Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Underdog
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Batman: The Dark Knight
Total: 3

Action/ Thriller:
(x) The Matrix
() The Matrix Reloaded
() The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Terminator
(x)Terminator 2
(x) Terminator 3
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Ocean’s Thirteen
(x) Casino Royale 007
Total: 8

() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremecy
() Underworld
() Butterfly Effect
() Death Note
() Death Note 2
() Death Note 3: L Change the world
() Resident Evil 1
() Resident Evil 2
() I, Robot
Total: -

(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
(x) Rush Hour 3
(x) Mission Impossible 1
() Mission Impossible 2
() Mission Impossible 3
() I Am Legend
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
(x) Signs
Total: 7

Horror:
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
(x) Saw III
(x) Saw IV
(x) Saw V
(x) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
() The Ring
() The Ring 2
Total: 6

( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(x) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
(x) Child's Play
(x) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
Total: 4

() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
( ) The Haunted Apartment
( ) Siren
(x) Silent Hill
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
( ) Alone
(x ) Omen
() House Of Wax
Total: 2

(x) The Eye
( ) The Eye 2
(x) Shutter
( ) When the Stranger calls
(x) The Fog
() The Orphanage
( ) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
(x) Cruel Intentions 2
(x) House of 1000 Corpses
Total: 6

Cartoons:
(x) Lilo & Stitch
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Madagascar
(x) Madagascar 2
(x) Kung Fu Panda
() Bolt
() Wall-E
(x) Monsters Inc
(x) Shark Tale
Total: 6

(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek 3
(x) Finding Nemo
() ET
() Cars
(x) Ratatouille
(x) Toy Story
(x) Toy Story 2
(x) The Incredibles
Total: 8

Inspirational:
() Little Miss Sunshine
() I Am Sam
() The Day After Tomorrow
() Coach Carter
() The Last Dance
( ) To Kill A Mockingbird
( ) Conrack
( ) Midnight Sun
( ) Little Black Book
(x) Rwanda Genocide
Total: 1

Classics:
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Titanic
( ) Romeo & Juliet
( ) Frankenstein
( ) A Midsummer Night's Dream
Total: 2

113 movies. not bad. i like this record. heheh. but i've watched more than this lar. ceh. this is just a sampling. hahahha. who cares anyway? but this is fun. haiz. i miss my home. where i have all my ciplak cds. oops.

i want to get rid of PLEGHMPLEHGMABHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2009-05-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

WATEVER U SPELL IT LAR. DONT CARE. JUST WANT TO GET RID OF IT.

oh man.

i really miss reading my books la.

da vinci code. angels and demons. especially angels and demons. illuminati. that's like so cool. haiz. erhm. ok. am going to go to wikipedia. haiz. dang bored.

im a kid

2009-05-03T00:39:00.001+08:00

ng jia lerdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.

>=[

hahhaa

she said that the best way to describe was "uncontrollable kid" =O the horror! i prefer incorrigible. hahaha. kidding.

but seriously. am i a kid??????????????????????????????????????????????????

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

never mind.

makes me one of a kind. unique. wanted. desired. especially when everyone else is growing up, and losing their inner child. teehee.

NYAHAHAHAHA CUE overbearing EVIL LAUGHTER

2009-05-02T09:38:00.000+08:00

woot. i finally got the classes i wanted. ms vasanthi was like, "madonna, what happened to your grades this sem??" i went sheepish and told her the truth, "I was overconfident."

There. I got it out in the open. The sooner I realize it, the sooner I make amends. Right? I just ...well, I thought I dealt with it a long time ago, this finicky little problem of mine. Apparently not. Well. Looking back, I guess it was because I depended so much on God that most of my character failings were somehow rewritten - and coded anew. Hahah. I used to be humble... tut tut i hear someone reminding me that humble people don't say they're humble -but now i'm not, so that's minus a point for me. =[ i'm becoming more self-centred. i hate it la. i just want to change. i wanna stay changed. i don't wanna conform to anything that this world has to offer.

ok.

im damn tired. gonna sleep.

oh. new resolution - reduce and hopefully stop all the swear words. not appropriate at all - for gals and for boys.

highway to hell

2009-04-30T20:38:00.000+08:00

oh. i had better stop it.

one, i'm not that fantastic of a student - so why the confidence in undertaking my courses? it's not like i'm a 4 pointer. i'm not. so let's just get that straight. I had better stop taking things so lightly. i know where i stand now. i know what's wrong with me since the beginning, but did i do anything to stop it?

i wonder.

next sem would be the toughest yet. i mean, every semester is tough, but the first was ... a bird course compared to the next one. oh well. this means i have to work my ass off. what did i say about afternoon naps again?

right. no more afternoon naps. no more underestimating time needed for revision. no more underestimating revision sessions. no more underestimating tests and coursework marks. no more... underestimating.

Lord, give me the wisdom and strength for my upcoming semester. Forgive me for my pride. Lord, as I go through the next semester, I pray that in whatever I do, Daddy, please remind me of your grace, of your love, of your strength. I don't want my past to repeat itself. I want to be top, that is my dream, Dad... Lord, I just want to fulfill my potential to the maximum. In whatever I do, may I do it with your blessing. Please Father, as enrolment comes up, I pray for your mercy and grace, that you will bless me in the courses I'm about to take. Lord, I pray that you will help me in making the right decision, and I pray for the right people, the right time for me to make that decision. Lord, I believe in you. You are my portion, as you should always be, and always have been. Lord, let my motives be honorable, let them be humble, let them reflect You.

Lord. I have fallen away from my calling, help me to get back up and fulfill that. I surrender all to you. My heart, my soul, my life - everything I commit to you, accept them Lord, and pray that people will get to know you through me. I want to shine for you. I want to live for you. I want to bring joy, peace and love to those surrounding me. So that they may see you, and find that joy, peace and love for themselves. Your joy, your peace, your love.

Amen.

tired

2009-04-29T13:30:00.000+08:00

body aching.....

now fever

fever = hell

=[

my brain is going to be fried.

my nerves are on fire.

my eyeballs are melting.

sick, sick, sick

2009-04-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh. =[

I HATE BEING SICK..... U FRIGGING FLU VIRUS... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

=[

MY COUGH... HUHUHUHU. KILLING ME.

okok. i better get back to cleaning my room.

this wednesday plan to start working on my calculus 1. i wanna get GPA 4.0 next sem, so as soon as i get a confirmed schedule for my courses next week, i will start drafting out my personal schedule. which i might follow. =P but yes, no time to waste, no intelligence to be wasted - must work hard to the fullest and perform the best i can.

i wanna push myself to the limit - and be the best i can. also, must remember to keep fit and eat healthily - meaning, more exercise and less McD. =S but what to do, must look good and feel good also right? aih.

OH.

must come up with a list of song playlist to burn in cd. haiz. =P

reflection of self

2009-04-28T23:47:00.001+08:00

I thought about it... and it came to me... I just realized that I'm:

- self-centred
- vain
- hypocritical

and i wish i wasn't so. since when did i lose myself in the pursuit of superficial happiness? since when have i started on the path of destruction?

and how do i get out and not return?

many times i've tried to rewrite my life, to redo everything that is wrong, but i just cant find the strength to maintain it that way. i'm really weak-willed, coward, and despicable.

i've hurt many people, thinking that i am deserving of love, respect and care.

reality is: i don't deserve any of that. i deserve to die a painful death. to die a liar's death. to die... and not disturb other people's conscience or life.

but i believe i can still change. i believe that. i desperately need that to be true. i desperately need to believe that i can get myself out of this shithole that i made for myself. =[

Dear Lord,

Forgive me for the things I've done against You. for the unspeakable things I've thought of doing. I'm sorry. I know that I will fall into this trap many, many times in the future. I'm not strong. but Daddy, please... please take me back? please... i need you. I need you to live. I need you so bad. I need you to love this dirty little girl. I need you ... I don't deserve to love you, or to be loved by you, but Lord, please... I pray that You will take me back. Let me live in Your house forever, in Your power, in Your presence. In Your Love. is all i ever need.

Lord, please, take this pen and rewrite my life. I surrender to you.

Donna.

back in inti

2009-02-01T19:20:00.001+08:00

Am finally back in INTI again. Why do I sound so happy? Haha. Most people are still crying over lost time with their families, but not me. I don't know why, but I learn fast when it comes to loss and pain. Haha. All this while that I've spent with my family convinced me of a few things:

1) That not all the time you spend with them will be part of your fond memories...ever heard of "familiarity breeds contempt"? yeah. You eventually get bored and tired and sick of things back home that you want a change of environment.
2) That sometimes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true. I do miss my family when I'm here - I'm not that cavalier not to admit that.
3) I enjoy the freedom I have back here in INTI, despite not being able to drive. That's okay. I have lots of adventures while I was here.
4) I'm not really a homesick kinda person - like I said, I learn fast.

Sorry to say that, but I really do think it's okay for me to be away, and well, since my parents are rather nonchalant about it, I don't see it as an abhorrence. I like having my own space, making my own decisions, and just doing my own thing. I grew up a lot while I was here. And yeah, I learned a lot from my mistakes too, no doubt about it, but I'm okay. Every human is fallible.

Which also reminds me that I have work to do. Haha, I'm supposed to be doing it now, but hey, as usual, procrastinating again. The time I spend on my laptop should be spent doing my assignments and all. My roommate's returning rather late tonight. Around 11pm. Anyway, until then, I should keep house and make sure things are okay.

Assignments:
1. BIO assignment - urgent (SUBMIT BY 03/02)
2. BIO lab report - semi-urgent (SUBMIT BY 05/02 - but do it before that nonetheless)
3. CSC assignment - semi-urgent (SUMBIT BY 06/02)
4. ICF CAMP poster - high (SUBMIT BY NEXT WEEK, TO BE APPROVED BY ERWIN BY WEDNESDAY)
5. ???????????????

Okay. I think I'm feeling inspired to do my work liao. Ciao.

things i would and should be doing now

2009-01-28T20:31:00.000+08:00

my assignments and projectssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

my GOD...Lord, i humbly ask that u help me. You can even add in ur copyright statement at the bottom. just please. help me thru with these.

- bio assignment
- csc assignment
- jpa magazine cover and stuff
- royal valentine
- icf camp intima proposal
- icf camp publicity poster
- icf christian awareness week poster
- anymore? i can't remember.
- studying for bio test.

plurkie

2009-01-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

join: http://plurk.com/maddiebones/invite

hehehe.

My Family

2008-12-28T20:52:00.001+08:00

bleh mood

2008-12-13T16:53:00.000+08:00

i have mixed feelings. haiz. supposed to clean up my stuff and all, b-b-but there's just so many! oh gosh. why can't i be born with natural abilities to be organized???? gah. or is that all humans have a tendency to be messy???

hehehe. looking for excuses again. anyway, hardly in contact with any of my friends except for rachel, audrey, and those from inti would prolly be lynn, fatin and hidayah. miss 'em all.

i can't wait to start my new semester actually. =P partly because i wanna prove to people that i am capable of getting that GPA 4.0. but sshhhhh!!! hehe, i know i can do it. i've done it before - throwing away my horrible habits of sleeping late and taking afternoon naps - so, i'm pretty sure i can do it again.

also, have been catching up with some old schoolmates' blogs. let's just say, i'm not interested in linking to them. not because i don't enjoy reading them - trust me, i do - but if i start being connected to so many people, where can i hide?

this is my blog, right? i wanna pour out my feelings - as raw, as disgusting as they may be - and i don't wanna hold back just because i might step on some toes, even if those feet aren't even invited to read even. cheh.

oh man. gah. i should stop procrastinating. hehehe. but i can't!!!!! no~~~~~~ ok. i should stop procrastinating. i should. shoulda,coulda, woulda. bleh. shall i start now? maybe i can plurk. hahaha. ya. i should plurk. okokokokokokokok. i must stop. else i'll be typing useless stuff. oh yeah:

Post New Year's Resolutions
Draft out next year's timetable
Journals
Organize crafts supplies

Okay. just listing them out. bleh. don't count on me to finish it though.

World's New Year's Resolution

2008-12-11T19:23:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Play that funky music by Wild Cherries
Watching: Evolution
Interested in: the daily meme & world's new year's resolution
Doing: posting...

Well, i thought this would be fun to do, especially with the new year just a few blocks away from xmas. XDDDDD

hehehe, anyway, here's my take on the new year's resolution for the world:

I'd like to see mirian drivers be more considerate of any other drivers with the P sticker. Seriously. It's like when I drive around in town, I'm taken to be a five-year-old driving her mommy's car. Hey, I passed the practical and theory tests the first time around, which had probably left you taking them for a few times before you even got your probation licence! Gosh, you think you can overtake me anytime on the road? Wait till I scratch your newly bought Porshe. Bleh.

Next would be seeing people be conscious of their body size and not block the pathway for other people. Especially in narrow aisles in supermarkets. You may like to think that you're as skinny as Paris Hilton, but seriously, with body fat as much as a hippo, ...? I mean, come on!

Salesgirls/sales promoters/whatever you call yourselves - please stop following your customers around. Especially if your establishment has already installed the CCTV, I see no point in following us around - that will only deter us from purchasing anything from your lousy ass shops. Plus, be courteous with your customers, and respect our consumers' rights. You are obliged to ensure that your services are top-notch and respectful whereas your products should be good quality, and not fall apart at the slightest touch. I fail to see the fairness in "Once broken considered sold" principle. It's an underhanded tactic to get our hard-earned money for your gains. ASSES. (there's a story behind this... will tell next time)

Also, I'd like to see people contributing more to the church-building funds, as well as tithing more and paying the ministry fund. You can afford to buy a whopping RM400,000 house, and a RM100,000 top brand four wheel drive, but you can't even afford a RM 100-per-family payment to the church? Are you insane? Enough said.

Also, I wish people would just stop politicking. It is a vicious cycle that profits the few, and hurts the rest (especially those with positions of lesser power), especially with your money laundering methods of acquiring your ends. Let me tell you this: the wicked shall fall one day, and when they fall, i hope they suffer a long time before getting up - if they get up again.

I'm also hoping for celebrities to tune down those limelight-stealing ways of theirs. Sheesh. So you're famous, so what? You're human too, and so are we. Without regular people to buy your albums and watch your movies, you'll be nobodies. So shut up, live a normal life. Pride comes before a fall.

Also, those with greed for money, please consider your actions. Just because we donate our items and money to your "charitable" organization doesn't mean you can spend that hard-earned moolah on your lavish cravings and luxury. In case you can't read, or too dumb to understand, those are actually for the needy that you've promised to help. It's about time the poverty in Africa or wherever it may be, be stopped. I think it would've stopped by now if you had kept your fat, greedy fingers off the money pot you pig. There are no words despicable, detestable, hateful and just enough to describe such people like you.

As for the adult industry - euphemisms might make your job easier to stomach, but really, how far is a man and a woman (and a few more men and women to make up an orgy) willing to go ? i don't care if you think you're helping people enjoy their masturbation sessions or sex, you're corrupting everyone.

As for the Education Ministry and the critics of our English as the language of instruction for Science and Mathematics subjects, if you want to see your so-called "anak watan" flounder helplessly like fish out of water when communicating with people all over the world, go ahead - let's all learn Science and Mathematics in Bahasa Malaysia. In case you can't quite catch the sarcasm, this is what I meant: Kita sepatutnya fikir demi masa depan generasi muda negara kita, demi negara, bukannya propanganda parti politik yang ingin mengekalkan ketuanan Melayu. Bahasa Melayu (mengapa bukan Bahasa Malaysia? bukankah kita semua - Melayu, Cina, India, dan kaum lain - rakyat Malaysia?) tetap akan menjadi salah satu ikon negara dan rakyat tetap akan menggunakan Bahasa Melayu untuk bertutur antara satu sama lain. Dan kami bangga menjadi rakyat Malaysia. Mengapakah, encik "Wakil Rakyat", kamu tidak menghormati hak kaum bukan Melayu serta kaum wanita? Tanpa ibumu, sudah tentu kamu tidak akan sempat untuk hidup di dunia ini. Syurga di bawah telapak kaki ibu, bukankah begitu?

Stop being racist. I'm tired of this shit. No one is a native of any part of the country, unless it is most definitely proven that you are a native. Remember where you came from, jangan jadi kacang lupakan kulit. If you are a citizen of this country, toil hard, strive for the best - for the good and bright future of the country. We all love Malaysia, no doubt about it, so please don't make us hate ourselves for voting for you.

A few more i'd like to add: please revise the moral standards that you have now. Pendidikan Moral for Form 4 and Form 5 is really a piece-of-cake; please revise it so that it'll help the students think more dynamically and critically, especially with current issues. Example of moral dilemmas could be: a mother working as porn star to support her children and her sick parents. While students won't be able to relate, at least it teaches them to think with compassion, and will help them to look at all sides of the story. Ergo, we wouldn't be having new generations of one track minded politicians who bicker in the Parliment like 5-year-olds.

Next is: Respect the Malaysian Constitution. All citizens have a right to choose the religion of their choice. Please stop creating gimmicks and devising cunning plots to trap non-believers in order to increase the figure within your religious community. We have left you alone, we have respected you up till now. You have manipulated the government and citizens into standing behind you, and that makes me sick.

Ok. So i sound angry. And mostly it's not for the entire world, but i suppose it's applicable for the world as well. Anyway, whoever wants to do the same sort of thing, feel free to do so, just let me know so i can link to you. Oh, you can be funny if you want to. Mine sounds angry because i'm not in the funny mood. Hehehe. Not yet anyway.

saying something and keeping to it ... ain't the same

2008-12-09T12:27:00.000+08:00

Listening to: Please Come Home for Christmas by Southside Johnny Lyon
Watching: Nothing
Interested in: I ♥ Blog
Doing: Surfing the net

Well. This song is really getting to me. Hehe. I don't know what to say man. Please come home for christmas... haiz.

k... am so damn sleepy now. gotta sleep... later will do some blog meme...

a few little things to do...

2008-12-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

well, i've been kept rather busy lately. let's see...

my insomnia's back. =.="" poor me. i can't sleep well at night nowadays because of the nightmares i get. either nightmares or some weird feeling like i'm not really sleeping properly... and i wake up with a jolt... that or dreams that i'm falling into deep abyss. you know what, i much prefer the dreams where i am distressed with the extent of my nakedness (read: wearing only a towel) on my way to school (i'm sure we all have such embarrassing dreams like that before - though i have it far more frequent than i ever thought was possible).

anyway, i found a penpal, whom i thought was nice, until he started asking lewd and crude questions. gawd. bad experience, but we all learn from them after all. so now i know the basic m.o. so the next time i'll write up something about knowing such people. ugh. lewd.

ooo. and i've found an interesting craft thingy to do...hehehe... so i'm kinda occupied lately. thanks to my dad who's also interested in the same thing (he got me interested in it actually...teehee).

also, i'm kinda occupied with banking and stuff, since i've been doing online shopping as well. tee hee. i have new clothes for xmas!!! plus some awesome outfits to wear for my college next year! yeah baby! time to woo some guys off their feet. oops. did i say that out loud? hehe, it's just for fun, seriously. woot! i just adore receiving so many stuff. =] even though i'm the one buying all those stuff. =P

boredboredboredboredSHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-02T19:24:00.000+08:00

hahaha, ok. gonna try to blog in BM... haiz. try first. hahaha.

dalam kebosanan... argh! CANNOT LA. I type in bhs swak. Hahaha.

masa brapa ari tok aku pun gi online shopping. hehehe, ari tok aku empun baju dah sampe...hehehe, hepi gila la, biasa la. apa gik mok dipolah owh... oh ya. pasya, bapak aku mintak tolong aku molah dvd pake nya. nya empun projek disuruh aunty aku, tapi aku pulak nok molah..haiz. sik hal la, aku pun enjoy. tok kelak aku pun polah la, lepas aku dah mandik.

hehehe. nangga mun ada nok kawan lepeh aku tok paham sik,hahaha.